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Idag kan jag med stor glädje avslöja ett stycke revolutionerande nyheter här på hemsidan! Det råkar nämligen förhålla sig på sådant vis att jag har gått och blivit en romanförfattare. Japp, du hörde rätt. R-o-m-a-n-f-ö-r-f-a-t-t-a-r-e!

Jag vet inte riktigt hur det hände sig, men för en dryg månad sedan började jag vips att författa en roman. Eller tja, i alla fall någon sorts text som i framtiden kan bli en roman. Eller okej, jag började skriva bokstäver i ett dokument på datorn. Men ändå! Jag har åtminstone lyckats hålla igång bokstavsskrivandet någorlunda väl sedan dess. R-o-m-a-n-f-ö-r-f-a-t-t-a-r-e!

Häftigt va?

I den här texten vill jag dela med mig av några tankar och reflektioner som jag har gjort nu i samband med att jag faktiskt sitter och skriver på en roman. För det lustiga är att jag alltid har velat skriva en roman. Och jag måste ha påbörjat skrivandet av olika romaner hundratals gånger tidigare utan att det har mynnat ut i någonting. Men den här gången är det annorlunda, nu händer det faktiskt något.

Så vad kan det här bero på? Varför fungerar det helt plötsligt att skriva en roman? Och vad har jag lärt mig hittills?

Nå, här är några av de saker jag har reflekterat över:

1. Det är verkligen bara att börja
Jag har alltid betraktat skrivandet av min allra första roman som en mytisk och speciell händelse. Och jag har vetat att när jag väl började skriva på romanen skulle det resultera i att jag blev en författare på riktigt. Det skulle göra så att jag blev känd och framgångsrik. Och romanen skulle bli SÅ bra.

Men inget av det här stämmer. Att börja skriva på en roman har absolut ingenting med dessa saker att göra. Att bli författare, känd och framgångsrik kan mycket väl inträffa när romanen väl är färdig – men det är någonting helt annat än att börja skriva på romanen. Att påbörja ett skrivande är en icke-sak som varken är mytisk eller speciell och det kommer att ha absolut noll påverkan på ens liv. Det enda som möjligtvis är fräckt är att man kan säga att man har börjat skriva en roman (för oss som tycker att sånt är häftigt), men utöver det – inget.

Den här insikten har inte varit enkel att göra. På sätt och vis är det ett perspektivskifte, i bemärkelsen att jag inte längre skriver av en speciell anledning. Jag skriver inte för att bli en författare, utan jag skriver enbart för att jag vill skriva på romanen. Då blir det enklare på något vis. Men det förutsätter att man tycker att det är roligt och givande att skriva, snarare än roligt och givande att bli utgiven.

2. Man måste inte veta hur romanen ska sluta, eller ens vad den ska handla om
En annan sak som tidigare har stoppat mig från att skriva en roman är att jag inte vetat vad som ska hända i berättelsen. Ibland har jag vetat hur romanen ska börja, men inte hur den ska sluta. Ibland har jag tvärtom känt till slutet, men inte haft någon aning om inledningen. Ibland har jag inte haft koll på vad som ska hända på vägen.

Well, guess what. Man behöver inte veta något alls! Det går alldeles utmärkt bra att börja skriva på romanen ändå.

Jag blir påmind om en intervju som jag såg med Neil Gaiman. I intervjun fick Gaiman frågan om hur han kan skapa sådana fantastiska, innehållsrika och komplicerade världar och om han tänker ut alla sådana saker i förväg. Svaret var något i stil med att: absolut inte, då skulle romanen aldrig ha blivit skriven. Tvärt om förklarade Gaiman att han oftast börjar sina berättelser bara med en scen, en situation eller en person. Ja, någonting som gör historien värd att skriva och som fångar hans eget intresse – sedan får allt det andra komma efteråt. Mitt intryck såhär långt efter en (1) påbörjad roman är att det här verkligen är rätt väg att gå.

Och vad bättre sätt finns det att få reda på vad som ska hända i en berättelse än att just skriva berättelsen ifråga? Skrivandet gör ju att man oundvikligen tänker på karaktärerna, världen och de situationer som utspelar sig. Nu i min egen roman har jag exempelvis ingen som helst aning om hur det ska sluta, men jag märker att jag lär mig mer och mer i takt med att jag skriver. Jag kommer exempelvis på intressanta konflikter, berättarknep, karaktärsutvecklingar, scener och repliker. Och jag är övertygad om att ett slut kommer att uppenbara sig… uhm… till slut.

3. Det hjälper att ha skrivit texter tidigare
Den stora skillnaden i mitt romanskrivande den här gången jämfört med tidigare gånger är att jag nu faktiskt lyckas producera text. Därmed inte sagt att texten har någon som helst kvalitet eller substans, men det är likväl bokstäver på ett digitalt papper. Nått händer! Det här är någonting helt annat än när jag har försökt att påbörja romaner tidigare gånger, eftersom jag då knappt kunde formulera ett endaste stycke.

Jag vet inte exakt vad det här beror på, men jag föreställer mig att en stor förklaring måste vara alla noveller (Noveller) och blogginlägg (Blogg) som jag har skrivit de senaste 1-2 åren här på hemsidan.

  • Kanske har texterna ökat mitt självförtroende på så vis att jag numera vet om att jag faktiskt kan skriva klart en text? Jag har gjort det förut och jag vet att jag kan göra det igen.
  • Kanske tycker jag inte att det är lika läskigt att fastna i skrivprocessen, eftersom jag vet att jag har tagit mig igenom liknande situationer förut och lyckats?
  • Kanske har jag sänkt prestationskraven och insett att texter inte måste vara perfekta? Jag har trots allt skapat texter som jag är nöjd med tidigare (och till och med publicerat dem på en hemsida!) och de har varit allt annat än perfekta.
  • Kanske har min hjärna lite smått programmerat om sig till att kunna skriva texter? Övning ger färdighet. 10.000 timmar. Etc.

Sannolikt är förklaringen en kombination av samtliga av dessa ”kansken”. Oavsett vilket är det riktigt häftigt att se att hemsidan har gett utdelning!

4. Det hjälper att läsa andra svenska författare
Jag tycker om att läsa böcker och de senaste 5-10 åren har min läsning huvudsakligen ägnats åt att läsa science fiction skriven på engelska. Det är sådana berättelser jag älskar och brinner för, därför har jag läst dem.

Lustigt nog gjorde jag däremot en omvärdering av min läsning det här året, i synnerhet för 3-4 månader sedan. Jag tänkte att om jag verkligen vill bli en författare bör jag rimligtvis läsa böcker som är skrivna på svenska. Hur ska jag annars lära mig att författa meningar, stycken och dialoger på ett trovärdigt och tilltalande sätt? Nå, sagt och gjort. Den senaste tiden har jag uteslutande läst svenska bestsellers och Augustprisvinnare och lustigt nog har den här nya lässtrategin sammanfallit skrämmande väl med att jag började skriva på min roman. Tillfällighet? Mycket möjligt. Men det är onekligen så att den nya läsningen har givit mig en hel del.

En sak jag framför allt reagerar på är att det är häftigt att läsa böcker som är skrivna av personer närmare mig själv. Neil Gaiman och Isaac Asimov är som superhjältar som lever på en helt annan planet. Jonas Hassen Khemiri däremot har pluggat på Södra latin och läst på Handelshögskolan, han är ju typ som jag! Eller okej, han är förstås också en superhjälte när det gäller själva författandet – men du förstår.

Jag gillar också att allt i de svenska böckerna inte är perfekt. Detta gäller förstås också böcker skrivna av Neil Gaiman och Isaac Asimov, men på något vis blir det mer påtagligt när boken är skriven på svenska. Vissa meningar är skumma och obegripliga. Ibland finns det knappt något slut i romanerna! Men det fungerar ändå. På något vis fungerar det. Och det gör mig hoppfull.

5. Det är häftigt att skriva på en roman!
En annan mycket glädjande insikt är att det känns riktigt härligt att skriva på en roman. Mina tidigare försök har alltid resulterat i prestationsångest och att hela förfarandet har känts hemskt och tråkigt, men nu är det roligt och stimulerande. Och det gör att jag till och med kan tillåta mig själv att drömma om alla spännande saker som skulle kunna hända i framtiden.

Katapultpriset för årets debutant? Augustpriset för årets skönlitterära roman? Eller, än bättre, tänk om jag får till en berättelse som jag känner mig stolt och nöjd med? Blotta tanken av det sistnämnda gör att det pirrar i kroppen!

Med allt detta sagt är det förstås fortfarande vansinnigt svårt för mig att skriva. Ibland stirrar jag på skärmen utan att kunna skriva ett endaste ord, det mesta av det jag skriver tycker jag är dåligt och jag känner tvivel om hur det ska gå med min roman. Men någonstans känner jag mig också hoppfull. Och det känns som att det kommer att lösa sig och bli någonting bra i slutändan.

Och icke att förkasta: jag är numera en romanförfattare! Och jag är övertygad om att hemsidan är en stor anledning till att jag kan säga så.

/Tommy Sellberg

PS. Jag har också börjat författa ett klagobrev till Friskis & Svettis angående deras konsekvent upprörande musikval. Men någonstans kände jag att klagobrevförfattare inte riktigt hade samma <schwung!>.

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