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Den enigmatiska prillan


”Ska du gå på toaletten igen?!”
 Jag satt på en skolgård och läste sci-fi i väntan på att nästa runda av turneringen skulle börja. Det fanns inte en människa inom tjugo meters avstånd, men jag var ändå inte ensam. Jag var aldrig ensam.
 ”Vad får dig att tro det?”, frågade jag utan att sluta läsa. Jag ställde frågan tyst i mitt inre där bara hon kunde höra mig.
 ”Försök inte”, fick jag till svar. ”Du tänkte att din blåsa kändes full. Du tänkte att du borde göra det innan rundan börjar. Du tänkte att det skulle vara bra om du skyndar dig.”
 Hon hade rätt. Jag hade tänkt just dem tankarna. Hon kände mig onekligen rätt bra, vilket i och för sig inte var särskilt konstigt. I många avseenden var hon jag.
 Jag slog igen boken, lade ner den i ryggsäcken och reste mig upp.
 ”Okej, om du insisterar.”
 Jag började gå mot skolans matsal. Det var där turneringen hölls.
 ”Bah, det är befängt!”, hörde jag inombords medan jag gick. ”Du besökte toaletten för bara två timmar sedan och du har knappt druckit någon vätska alls sedan dess. Du behöver inte gå på toaletten!”
 Jag log och sade, ”Fysiologiskt har du förstås helt rätt”. Hennes energiska invändningar roade mig.
 ”Snälla, bespara mig! Jag vet precis vad du tänker. Psykologiskt mumbo-jumbo är vad det är.”
 ”Visst är det så”, medgav jag. ”Men jag vill känna mig avslappnad. Inte behöva oroa mig för oväsentligheter. Och göra bra ifrån mig under turneringen. Då kan toalettbesök och mumbo-jumbo vara viktigt.”
 ”Fullständigt nonsens. Men visst, du gör som du vill! Låt se hur bra ifrån dig du gör, nu efter att du struntat i att lyssna på din hjärna…”
 ”Det är sannerligen en risk.”
 Jag klev upp för trapporna som ledde in till det rum där toaletterna fanns, precis utanför matsalen. Vid ingången gick jag förbi tre ungdomar som också deltog i turneringen. Jag kunde höra sorlet från matsalen där det fortfarande spelades matcher.
 Framme vid toaletterna såg jag att två av dem var upptagna, men den mittersta var ledig. Jag gick in, slog på lyset och låste dörren.
 ”Stackars ungar”, kommenterade Hjärnan.
 Jag höll med. Skoltoaletter var alltid gräsligt äckliga. Men inget att göra åt den saken nu.
 Jag fällde upp toalettlocket och började knäppa upp mina byxor.
 ”Det är inte sant!”
 ”Jag vet”, sade jag ointresserat och fortsatte med knapparna. ”Jag behöver egentligen inte gå på toaletten, men…”
 ”Nej, nej, nej! Din imbecill, sluta genast!”
 Jag tog ett djupt andetag. Hon var alldeles för energisk idag. Jag måste ha druckit för mycket kaffe till frukosten.
 ”Vad är det nu?”
 ”Fan, fan, fan”, muttrade Hjärnan för sig själv utan att uppmärksamma min fråga.  ”Diaboliskt… genialiskt… enigmatiskt…”
 ”Fint. Får jag använda toaletten nu?”
 ”Eh, absolut inte! Ser du inte?”
 Jag tittade ner i toaletten.
 ”Jaha, och?”
 I toaletten låg det en snusprilla. Den guppade lite lätt på vattenytan, men i övrigt såg vattnet någorlunda rent ut. Personen innan hade nog slängt i prillan efter att hen var klar.
 ”Den kan du ju inte spola ner!”
 ”Men jag har inte lagt den där?”
 ”Precis, det är just det som är så listigt!”, utropade hon och återgick till sitt muttrande. ”Diaboliskt… genialiskt… enigmatiskt…”
 Jag tänkte över situationen. En snusprilla får man egentligen inte spola ner i toaletten, det insåg jag. Men under omständigheterna tyckte jag att hon överreagerade.
 ”Du får nog upplysa mig om problemet.”
 ”Är det inte uppenbart?”, frågade Hjärnan med uppgiven stämma. ”Någon har planterat en prilla i toaletten och därigenom initierat ett miljöbrott. Genom att inte spola har personen lyckats föra över ansvaret för prillan till nästa besökare, det vill säga till oss, och när vi spolar kommer det att vara vi som begår miljöbrottet. I korthet, vi har mött vår Moriarty…”
 Jag tittade ner på den lilla snusprillan igen.
 ”Överreagerar du inte en aning nu?”, frågade jag.
 ”Ha, knappast!”, svarade hon nedlåtande. ”Tro mig, vi har ingen framtid. Inget hopp. Allt är förlorat… Eller vänta nu!”
 Hennes ton lät med ens mer hoppfull.
 ”Såklart! Jag tänker inte låta vår nemesis få tillfredställelsen av att lyckas. Nej, vi ska inte begå något miljöbrott! Låt se… Vad kan vi använda för att få upp prillan med?”
 ”Få upp den? Du skämtar?”
 ”Ingen toalettborste… Ingen tvålpump…”. Hjärnan var inne i sin egen värld igen.
 ”Hörru, jag tänker inte stoppa ner händerna i toaletten.”
 ”Kanske om vi använder ryggsäcken på något vis…”
 Jag höjde rösten. ”Hörru! Det här är verkligen inte vårt fel!”
 ”Åh, minsann?!”, invände Hjärnan kraftfullt. ”Nazi-generalerna insisterade också på att det inte var deras fel. Att de bara följde order. Att ansvaret egentligen vilade på någon annans axlar. Så! Är du en nazist? Svara nu! Är du en nazist?!”
 ”Eh, va?”
 ”Du är en nazist!”, upprepade hon aggressivt.
 ”Asså, nej…”
 ”Nämen då så! Hitta något att gräva upp prillan med nu!”
 Jag tittade mig motvilligt omkring. Hennes argumentation var befängd, men det kändes ändå mentalt jobbigt att ställa mig på nazisternas sida. Och att bli skriken åt.
 ”Jag ser inget”, meddelade jag kort.
 ”Diaboliskt…”, muttrade hon på nytt. ”Vår Lex Luthor har plockat bort precis allt som går att använda för att fiska upp prillan med.”
 ”Eller så går det inte att förvara föremål i en skoltoalett utan att de blir stulna…”, påpekade jag irriterat.
 ”Pappershanddukarna!”, triumferade Hjärnan glatt. ”Du kan vira dem runt händerna och plocka upp prillan jättesnabbt!”
 ”Det är en värdelös idé.”
 ”Hmm, ja… Papper har en tendens att bli blött. Låt se, vad har vi mer här inne…”
 Hennes idéer började ge mig huvudvärk. Hela situationen kändes fullständigt absurd. Jag hade fått nog.
 ”Jag har en bättre idé”, sade jag och började knäppa byxorna igen. Jag vände mig mot toalettdörren.
 ”Våga inte gå ut härifrån”, hotade Hjärnan.
 ”Watch me”, gav jag till svar och sträckte fram min hand mot låset.
 ”Det är vårt ansvar! Vi måste åtgärda det!”
 Min hand fortsatte mot låset. Jag kunde gladeligen överlåta ansvaret till någon annan.
 ”Vänta! Tänk om någon står i kö här utanför? Då kommer de tro att det är du som lämnat prillan! Du kommer att framstå som en ligist!”
 Jag stannade upp. Hon hade en poäng. Fan.
 ”Så vad gör vi då?”, frågade jag.
 ”Nycklarna”, sade hon självsäkert. ”Du kan försiktigt böja dig ner och plocka upp prillan med hjälp av en nyckel.”
 ”Och om jag tappar nyckelknippan i toaletten?”
 ”Ingen risk. Du tar av en nyckel från knippan och använder bara den. Någon som vi ändå inte behöver. Efteråt slänger vi ner den i ryggsäcken, insvept i pappersservetter.”
 Jag övervägde förslaget. Det kunde fungera.
 ”Och efter det?”
 ”Efter det gör du din grej och vi drar tillbaka till turneringen. Nästa runda borde börja när som helst nu.”
 Jag hade glömt av turneringen. Det var kanske bråttom. Fan.
 ”Okej”, sade jag. ”Låt oss få det här överstökat.”
 Hjärnan gav ifrån sig ett kurrande läte av välbehag och förväntan. ”Blofeld, dina dagar är räknade!”
 Jag plockade upp min nyckelknippa och tog av nyckeln till cykellåset. Det låg ändå två kopior av den hemma. Jag höll upp den framför mig.
 ”Så vacker!”, yrade Hjärnan för sig själv. ”Vår lösning, vår räddning…”
 ”Inga plötsliga rörelser nu”, påminde jag henne om.
 ”Allt grönt”, intygade hon.
 Jag skakade på huvudet. Det här var inte ett normalt beteende.
 Jag satte mig ner på knä och intog en position lutad över toaletten. Min blick var fixerad vid snusprillan. Jag började föra ner min hand mot den. Sakta. Ett steg i taget.
 ”Lugnt och stilla…”, andades Hjärnan. Hon var på helspänn.
 Min hand kom ner i toaletten.
 ”Lugn, lugn…”
 Nyckeln närmade sig vattnet.
 ”Koncentration…”
 Jag nådde snusprillan. Försiktigt förde jag ner nyckeln i vattnet och positionerade prillan på den. Det var enklare än jag hade föreställt mig. Jag började sakta dra tillbaka min hand.
 ”Ja… ja…”, viskade Hjärnan exalterat.
 Snusprillan var nu uppe ur toaletten. Jag balanserade den varsamt på nyckeln och observerade den. Prillan var verkligen liten.
 ”Om du bara visste vilka problem du orsakat?”, frågade jag retoriskt.
 I detta ögonblick hörde jag plötsligt någonting bakom mig. Jag vände snabbt på huvudet och såg hur toalettdörren öppnades. En man tittade in.
 ”Oj! Jaha… Förlåt!”, sade mannen som öppnat den olåsta dörren. Han började snabbt stänga dörren igen, men just innan den helt stängdes ångrade han sig. Han öppnade den igen.
 ”Eh… Är du okej?”, frågade han.
 Jag övervägde hans fråga.
 Jag satt på knä inne på en äcklig skoltoalett. I min hand balanserade jag en snusprilla på en cykelnyckel. En okänd man hade just öppnat toalettdörren – som jag tydligen hade glömt låsa – och jag kände mig fullständigt blottad.
 Nej, jag var nog inte ens i närheten av okej.

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