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Den skenbart lediga platsen


”Ursäkta, e’ de’ ledigt här eller?”

Jag sneglar upp från min bok. En man har stannat vid raden framför mig och han står med sin arm utsträckt mot platsen närmast gången. Jag ser irritation i mannens ansikte.

”Nej, tyvärr”, svarar en kvinna ursäktande från fönsterplatsen. ”Det är nån som sitter här. Han gick på toaletten tror ja’.”

Mannen suckar ljudligt och tittar sig omkring. Efter ett ögonblick går han motvilligt vidare i vagnen på jakt efter en plats. 17:11-tåget är alltid proppfullt.

Jag återgår till boken. Det är Den vidunderliga kärlekens historia av Carl-Johan Vallgren och jag befinner mig i en särdeles spännande del av romanen. Huvudpersonen Hercules befinner sig i trångmål och jag är nyfiken på att få veta hur situationen kommer att utspela sig. Men jag har svårt att koncentrera mig; arbetsdagen var lång och ögonen känns tunga.

”Kan ja’ sitta här?”

I ögonvrån uppfattar jag att en ny person har stannat till vid kvinnan som sitter framför mig. Jag håller kvar min blick på boken, men jag lyckas inte stänga ute det nya samtalet.

”Nej, tyvärr”, hör jag kvinnan återigen svara. ”Det är inte min väska. Det är nån som är på toaletten bara.”

”Jaha-ja-okej”. Personen låter en aning förvånad, men försvinner ändå snabbt bort i vagnen.

Jag fortsätter att läsa. Hercule har just lyckats bryta sig loss ur fångenskap och han gör nu sitt yttersta för att även rädda en av sina välgörare. Med hjälp av sina telepatiska krafter berättar Hercule hur vännen ska förflytta sig i ett hus, samtidigt som vännen är förföljd av ett antal lönnmördare och snabbt måste reagera på det som Hercule berättar. Men hur kan Hercule veta att det finns en dold passage i det rum som vännen befinner sig i? Jag trodde att hans krafter bara sträckte sig till att se in i andra människors inre? Jag måste ha missat någonting.

”E’ de’ ledigt här?”

Jag tittar upp och ser att det återigen har stannat en person vid den tomma platsen. Den här gången är det en ung kvinna.

”Nej, det sitter redan nån här. Tyvärr.”

”Okej, tack.”

Jag följer kvinnan med blicken när hon går iväg. Det är verkligen fullt i vagnen, jag kan inte se en endaste ledig plats. Eller tja, bortsett från platsen på raden framför mig, men där sitter det tydligen någon. Märkligt, riktigt såhär mycket folk brukar det ändå inte vara.

En man kommer gåendes. Han stannar vid den tomma platsen, ställer ner sin väska och börjar att ta av sig sin jacka.

”Det sitter nån här”, avbryter kvinnan.

Mannen stannar till och tittar snabbt upp mot kvinnan, men han säger ingenting. Han drar på sig jackan, lyfter upp sin väska och går iväg.

I det här läget börjar jag reflektera över vad det egentligen är som försiggår på raden framför mig. Tydligen är det någon som har lämnat sin väska på det ena sätet och därefter gått till toaletten. Kvinnan som sitter på sätet bredvid verkar inte känna den här personen, men hon har på något vis ändå fått den otacksamma uppgiften att passa personens plats. Och eftersom tåget är tokfullt tvingas kvinnan förklara det här för varenda person som går förbi. Fy fan vad jobbigt.

Tre personer kommer gåendes i vagnen. Den främre av dem stannar till vid kvinnan och jag får se samma meningsutbyte som tidigare utspela sig.

”Ursäkta, e’ den här platsen ledig?”

Glädje. Förhoppning. Energi.

”Nej, det är upptaget.”

Besvikelse. Uppgivenhet. Tom blick.

De tre personerna går vidare. Av oklar anledning uppbådar jag en bild i mitt inre av tre nomader som är vilse i öknen. De är i desperat behov av att finna vatten och deras tid håller på att rinna ut; snart finns det inte fler vagnar att leta i. Ja, tågvagnar i rusningstrafik påminner verkligen om en öken. Kanske är det såhär Hercule upplever världen när han går in i andra människors inre? Eller är allt sakligt och tråkigt? Jag vet inte.

Jag lägger undan Den vidunderliga kärlekens historia och tänker att jag istället vill fokusera på den historia som utspelar sig framför mig – historien om den skenbart lediga platsen.

Inom kort dyker det upp ytterligare en törstig vandrare ur ökenlandskapet. Vandraren gör uppehåll vid platsen bredvid kvinnan, men i likhet med tidigare besökare får personen information om att det som kanske såg ut som en oas i själva verket var en hägring – här finns varken vatten eller en ledig plats. Allt är en illusion. Personen förblir en vandrare.

Jag noterar att kvinnans svar har blivit korthuggna och opersonliga. Till en början lät hon ursäktande, trevlig och medmänsklig – men den tiden verkar vara förbi. Nu hörs inga ”tyvärr” eller förlåtande tonfall. Jag önskar att jag kunde se in i kvinnans inre och förstå orsaken till hennes avtagande artighet, men jag vet nog redan svaret. Det blir så när man vistas i en öken.

Det fortsätter att gå förbi personer och samtliga stannar vid den tomma platsen. Var kommer alla dessa människor ifrån? Seriöst, var fan kommer dem ifrån? Kvinnans svar ljuder i vagnen.

”Det är upptaget.”

”Nej, det är upptaget.”

”Nej.”

”Nej.”

”Nej!”

Kvinnans röst ökar successivt i styrka och det känns som att hela vagnen upptas av hennes nekande besked. Jag tittar mig omkring för att se mina medresenärers reaktioner, men de sitter lugnt kvar på sina platser. Hur är det möjligt? Hör de inte vad som händer omkring dem? Hör de inte kvinnans desperata försök att få ro? Mannen som sitter på sätet bredvid mig tittar lugnt ner i sin mobiltelefon. Fullkomligt jävla obegrepligt.

”Nej!”, skriker kvinnan och reser sig plötsligt från sin plats. ”Neeej! Det sitter nån här! Nååån siiitteeer hääär!”

Den här gången var det inte ens någon som frågade kvinnan om platsen, hon skriker ändå. Jag stirrar på kvinnan och vet inte hur jag ska reagera. Mina medresenärer rör fortfarande inte en min. Vad fan är det som händer?

”Nej! Nej! Nej!”

Kvinnan har sjunkit ner på sitt säte igen, men hon fortsätter att skrika. Jag slutar mina ögon och försöker att ignorera situationen som utspelar sig, ovillig att ta ansvar för det som händer. I mitt inre försöker jag istället att lämna den plats jag befinner mig på. Jag försöker att fly. Och jag lyckas nästan.

Vagnen försvinner. Öknen försvinner. Medresenärerna försvinner. I mitt inre blir det svart, nästan fridfullt. Om det inte hade varit för skriken.

”Neeej! Sluta! Slutaaa!”

Skriken har blivit djuriska och desperata. Det är som att kvinnans hela existens beror på det här ögonblicket. Och skriken upptar hela min verklighet. Mörker och skrik. Det finns ingenting annat.

Plötsligt känner jag ett par armar som omsluter min överkropp och som får mig att vakna upp från mörkret. Jag kastas till golvet i vagnen.

”Aaaj!”, hör jag kvinnan skrika. ”Aaaaj!”

”Va’ fan göru!” skriker en man alldeles bredvid mig. ”Va’ i helvete göru!”

Jag trycks ner i golvet. Det känns som att åtminstone två personer lägger sin tyngd på mig. Luften har lämnat mina lungor och jag kan inte säga någonting, men det spelar ingen roll. Jag hade ändå inte vetat vad jag skulle säga. Jag förstår inte vad som händer.

”Aaahahaaaj!”

”Gör nått för helvete! Gör nått då!”

Skriken ljuder omkring mig.

”Ja’ vill inte! Snäll…!”

”Skynda för helvete! Skynda då!”

”Snäll…Snäll…!”

Jag känner någonting klibbigt på mina händer.

Konstigt.

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