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Besatt av smoothies


Jag: Ja’ e’ på så jävla bra humör ida’.

Psykologen: Vad roligt att höra – det gör mig glad.

Jag: Livet e´fucking awesome! Vill du veta varför?

Psykologen: Det vill jag hemskt gärna veta.

Jag ler och gör en kort konstpaus.

Jag: Ja’ har börjat dricka smoothies.

Psykologen: Smoothies?

Jag: Ja, fucking smoothies!

Psykologen: Okej … och det här gör dig glad?

Jag: De’ e’ de’ bästa ever! Ja’ provade att göra de’ själv för nåra dar sen och nu e’ ja’ hooked.

Jag rör mig energiskt på britsen och gestikulerar med händerna.

Jag: De’ roliga e’ att ja’ har velat prova de’ i massa år nu. De’ ska ju vara nyttigt å så, men ja’ har aldrig provat att göra de’ själv förut – de’ har liksom aldrig blivit av. Eller kanske nån enstaka gång, men aldrig på riktigt du vet?

Psykologen: Det kan vara ansträngande att göra någonting för första gången.

Jag: Exakt! Men nu fixade ja’ de’. Ja’ köpte grejer, mixade ihop dom och de’ blev gott. På riktigt gott! Typ lika gott som de’ e’ att köpa. Hur sjukt e’ inte de’?

Psykologen: Det glädjer mig att höra. Det är roligt att se dig så energisk.

Jag: Grejen e’ att de’ känns i kroppen – ja’ känner verkligen att de’ e’ bra för mej. Att de’ e’ vitaminer, mineraler och grejer. Och allt har blivit så lätt på nått sätt.

Psykologen: Så du känner att det här har hjälpt dig? Att det har gjort dig … mer positiv? Mer glad?

Jag: Ja, verkligen!

Psykologen: Kan du ge något exempel? Kanske någon situation som du har varit i där det har känts bättre?

Jag tvekar en aning.

Jag: Asså – ja’ vet inte. De’ har bara känts så jävla fucking bra!

Psykologen avvaktar ett ögonblick. Jag slår lätt med fingrarna mot låret.

Psykologen: Vad har du gjort den här veckan?

Jag: Eh – ja’ har gjort rätt mycket faktiskt. Ja’ har letat efter bra flaskor att ha smoothies i, skrivit ner nåra recept som ja’ har kommit på, provat olika ingredienser och proportioner å så – de’ finns så sjukt många saker man kan göra! Helt galet.

Psykologen: Jag förstår. Har du gjort några andra saker? Förutom smoothies?

Kort tystnad. Jag slår snabbare med fingrarna mot låret.

Jag: Va? Va’ menar du?

Psykologen: Jag menar – har du gjort någonting som inte har med smoothies att göra?

Jag: Va? Va’ fan spelar de’ för roll?

Psykologen: Det spelar roll eftersom det är viktigt att ha balans i livet. Jag noterar att du är mycket glad och energisk idag –

Jag: Och de’ e’ en fucking bra sak! Ja’ e’ fucking glad!

Psykologen: Ja, det är en bra sak. Men du verkar också väldigt upptagen med den här tanken på smoothies –

Jag: De’ e’ nyttigt! Nu äter ja’ inte en massa mackor och skit. Så de’ e’ en bra sak!

Psykologen: Jag är övertygad om att det är en bra sak. Men vad jag förstår började du att göra smoothies för bara några dagar sedan och det verkar direkt ha blivit något som har tagit över dina tankar – och även en stor del av ditt liv. Du ser inte någon fara i det?

Tystnad. Jag skakar lätt på huvudet.

Jag: Ja’ fucking visste de’.

Psykologen: Vad visste du?

Jag: Att du skulle reagera såhär.

Psykologen: Vad menar du?

Jag: Du kan inte låta mej vara glad. Inte ett fucking ögonblick.

Psykologen: Det stämmer inte – jag vill väldigt gärna att du ska vara glad. Och det glädjer mig oerhört att du har funnit någonting som får dig att känna dig så … positiv. Men jag tror att det är viktigt att du funderar på varför du känner som du gör.

Jag lägger armarna i kors och drar upp knäna.

Psykologen: Låt mig fråga dig det här – vad mer har du tänkt på när det gäller smoothies? Har du tänkt att du ska köpa ett stort antal flaskor, så att du kan göra smoothies för flera månader framöver? Har du planerat att skaffa en diskmaskin för att kunna rengöra alla flaskor på ett enkelt sätt?

Jag svarar inte.

Psykologen: Kanske har du övervägt att du skulle kunna sälja din egen smoothie? Starta upp ett eget företag och säga upp dig från ditt nuvarande arbete? Har du redan tänkt ut ett lämpligt företagsnamn?

Jag svarar återigen inte.

Psykologen: Jag tolkar din tystnad som att du har upplevt den här typen av tankar.

Jag mumlar någonting.

Psykologen: Förlåt, vad sade du?

Jag: Du fattar ingenting.

Psykologen: Jag tror att det –

Jag: DU FATTAR INGENTING!

Mer tystnad. Jag lägger mig på sidan i britsen, fortfarande med armarna i kors och med uppdragna knän.

Jag: Kan ja’ inte bara få vara glad? En liten jävla stund bara?

Psykologen: Jag vill att du ska vara glad. Varför tror du att jag skulle vilja någonting annat?

Jag: Ja’ pratar inte om dej.

Psykologen: Okej – vem är det du pratar om?

Jag tvekar och tar ett djupt andetag. Efter ett ögonblick andas jag ut ljudligt.

Jag: Tror du inte att ja’ redan vet allt de’ där? Tror du inte att ja’ vet att ja’ blir alldeles för engagerad i nya saker – att ja’ helt fastnar i sånt som känns roligt för stunden? Å att resten av mitt liv känns helt meningslöst när de’ inträffar?

Psykologen: Jag förstår. Jag ber om ursäkt – jag borde ha övervägt det.

Psykologen funderar en stund.

Psykologen: Om jag förstår dig rätt känner du en stor glädje över att ha börjat göra smoothies, men samtidigt inser du att dina känslor inte är helt hälsosamma – att de har tagit över en för stor del av ditt liv. Du vill vara glad, men vetskapen att ditt övriga liv påverkas negativt gör att du inte kan uppleva glädjen fullt ut. Klandrar du dig själv för det här? För att du tillåter smoothies – och andra nya saker – att göra dig så glad att de skjuter bort allt annat i livet?

Inget svar. Jag för upp en hand till ansiktet och torkar bort tårar från kinden.

Psykologen: Det finns ingen anledning att klandra dig själv. Att känna sig glad över nya saker är i grunden någonting mycket bra och sunt – det finns alla möjligheter för dig att hitta en balans i livet. Och det här är första steget – att faktiskt prata om det.

Jag: Jo, kanske.

Psykologen: Du låter inte särskilt övertygad.

Jag: Nej, ja’ gör nog inte de’.

Jag vänder mig i britsen och lägger mig på rygg.

Jag: Men ja’ ska försöka ha ett öppet sinne.

Psykologen ler.

Psykologen: Det är allt jag ber om. Så, låt oss gå tillbaka till det där du sade om att …

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