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Ont om tid


Jag: Nämen de’ känns lite tufft bara.

Psykologen: Hur menar du?

Tystnad. Jag vrider mig en aning på britsen.

Jag: Äh, skit samma.

Psykologen: Nej, berätta. Jag vill gärna höra.

Jag: De’ spelar ingen roll.

Psykologen: Jo, det spelar roll för mig. Jag vill förstå vad du menar – jag vill förstå varför det känns tufft i ditt liv just nu.

Mer tystnad.

Jag: Asså, de’ e’ ingen stor grej. De’ e’ bara att ja’ har så många saker ja’ vill göra, men nu när jobbet har börjat hinner ja’ inte göra ett dugg – de’ finns liksom ingen tid. Så de’ känns lite tufft bara.

Jag lyfter ena handen och gör en frågande gest.

Jag: E’ de’ så jävla konstigt? Att ja’ tycker de’ e’ tufft att börja jobba igen?

Psykologen: Absolut inte.

Jag: Nämen dåså! Ja’ sa’ ju de’.

Jag lägger armarna i kors. Psykologen funderar ett ögonblick.

Psykologen: Får jag fråga hur det kändes när du hade semester?

Jag: Va?

Psykologen: Du säger att det känns tufft nu när du har börjat arbeta igen, eftersom du inte har tid att göra sådana saker som du vill göra. Men hur kändes det när du hade semester? Hade du tid att göra saker då?

Jag: Va’ spelar de’ för roll?

Psykologen: Jag vill gärna veta.

Jag tvekar.

Jag: Asså, de’ kändes väl bra antar ja’.

Psykologen: Och det kändes som att du hann med att göra sådana saker som du ville?

Jag: Ja, de’ gjorde de’ väl. Eller asså, inte allt förstås – men ja’ hann göra rätt mycket faktiskt.

Jag pratar mer energiskt.

Jag: Å de’ va’ jävli’t skönt. Du vet, när de’ känns som att man faktiskt har gjort nått vettigt? Å åstadkommit nått – på riktigt? Fan va’ bra de’ känns!

Psykologen: Ja, det är speciell känsla. Skulle du vilja känna så igen?

Jag avvaktar och börjar knacka lätt med ena handen.

Jag: De’ e’ väl klart. Vem fan skulle inte vilja de’? Men jobbet tar upp all jävla tid.

Psykologen: Det finns –

Jag: Så fuck it! Ja’ menar, varför har vi inte sex timmars arbetsdag egentligen? Var fan tog den idén vägen?

Psykologen: Jag vet inte.

Jag: Jävla idioter som inte vågar prova nått nytt!

Psykologen funderar. Jag fortsätter att knacka med handen.

Psykologen: Vad brukar du göra när du kommer hem efter jobbet?

Jag slår ut med armarna.

Jag: Asså shit, va’ fan e’ grejen? Varför frågar du sån här skit?

Psykologen: Vill du inte svara på frågan?

Jag: Men ja’ har redan svarat! Ja’ sa’ ju att ja’ inte hinner göra nått. De’ e’ hela jävla poängen! Kan du fatta? Måste ja’ prata lång-sam-ar-e?

Psykologen: Nej, det behöver du inte göra. Men jag skulle uppskatta om du slutar att svära och att du –

Jag: Om du slutar fråg –

Psykologen: Och att du slutar vara så konfrontativ! Jag försöker bara att förstå dig bättre, eftersom jag vill hjälpa dig.

Jag: Genom att fråga va’ ja’ gör efter jobbet?

Psykologen: Ja, det stämmer. Du säger att du inte hinner göra sådana saker som du vill i ditt liv och att du saknar den känsla som du hade när du var på semester. Det måste inte vara på det sättet – det finns saker som kan få dig att känna dig mer tillfreds med situationen du befinner dig i. Och jag kan hjälpa dig med det, men då behöver jag veta mer om hur ditt liv ser ut och varför du känner på det sätt du gör.

Jag säger ingenting. Efter ett tag lägger jag mig på sidan på britsen.

Psykologen: Brukar du laga mat när du kommer hem?

Jag: Nej. Eller ja, typ – ja’ äter nått.

Psykologen: Gör du någonting innan det?

Jag: Ja’ tränar väl eller nått.

Psykologen: Okej, det är bra. Brukar du träna ofta?

Jag: Ja’ vet inte. Ibland.

Psykologen lutar sig fram på stolen.

Psykologen: Brukar du titta på någon serie på kvällarna?

Jag: Va?

Psykologen: Brukar du följa någon tv-serie?

Jag: Ja’ vet inte. Det händer väl. So what?

Psykologen: Tittar du varje dag?

Jag tvekar.

Jag: I guess.

Psykologen: Och hur långa är avsnitten? 45-50 minuter?

Jag: De’ e’ olika.

Psykologen: Brukar du titta på mer än ett avsnitt?

Jag lägger mig på rygg igen.

Jag: E’ de’ nått fel med de’ eller? När ja’ har jobbat en hel jävla dag – får ja’ inte titta på nån serie då eller?

Psykologen: Det får du absolut göra.

Jag: ’Amen dåså! Shit, du ska fan alltid jävlas.

Psykologen: Det är inte min avsikt.

Jag: Ändå lyckas du varenda jävla gång.

Jag för händerna till ansiktet och täcker ögonen. Psykologen pratar långsamt.

Psykologen: Jag försöker bara att hjälpa dig. Men vi kan släppa det här, jag ska inte fråga dig någonting mer. Däremot upplever jag att det skulle vara bra för dig att reflektera över hur din livssituation ser ut. Och jag tror att det är viktigt att du funderar över om det verkligen bara är ditt jobb som får dig att känna att du har ont om tid, eller om det kanske också är hur du väljer att använda din tid.

Jag har fortfarande händerna över ögonen.

Jag: Tror du inte att ja’ redan vet de’?

Psykologen: Okej, jag förstår. Det är mycket möjligt att du redan vet om det här, men jag tror ändå att det finns anledning för dig att tänka på vad det innebär.

Jag: Ja’ vet va’ det innebär.

Psykologen: Okej, men det är ändå viktigt att fundera på vad vi kan göra för att –

Jag: SNÄLLA JA E’ INTE DUM.

Tystnad.

Jag: Ja’ vet redan allt de’ där.

Psykologen avvaktar. Jag säger ingenting.

Psykologen: Hur känner du? Vad vill du göra?

Jag tar ett djupt andetag.

Jag: Ja’ vet inte. Skriva en bok, rädda världen.

Psykologen blir osäker.

Psykologen: Uhm… jaha, okej. Jag menade… jag menade vad du ville göra med det vi pratade om just nu. Men det där låter som bra ambitioner att ha i livet.

Jag lyfter långsamt bort händerna från ögonen.

Jag: Jo, om ja’ bara hade nån ork. Och koncentration. Och om inte allt var så jävla suddigt.

Psykologen: Det går att göra saker som skulle få det att kännas bättre – som skulle ge dig mer ork och koncentration.

Jag: Ja’ vet.

Psykologen: Jag kan hjälpa dig att göra de sakerna.

Jag: Visst, perfekt. Imorgon blir allt bra.

Psykologen: Nej, det kan ta tid. Men jag är övertygad om att vi kommer att hitta en lösning.

Psykologen tittar bort mot väggen.

Psykologen: Uhm… jag tror att vi tyvärr har dragit över tiden lite.

Jag: Okej.

Jag reser mig upp från britsen.

Psykologen: Ja, men jag vill att du ska veta –

Jag: Ja’ vet. Vi hörs.

Jag börjar att gå mot dörren.

Psykologen: Du vet att du alltid kan –

Jag: Ja’ vet. Vi hörs.

Jag fortsätter att gå.

Jag: Vi hörs, vi hörs, vi hörs.

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