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Påknackning av grannen


Psykologen: Kan du ta det från början igen?

Jag: Meh, varför då?

Psykologen: Jag vill vara säker på att jag verkligen förstår vad det var som hände.

Jag: De’ e’ inte raketforskning.

Psykologen: Nej, men jag hade lite svårt att följa din berättelse. Jag har också en känsla av att du kanske inte berättade allt det som…

Jag mumlar något.

Psykologen: Förlåt?

Jag: Ingenting.

Tystnad. Psykologen avvaktar ett ögonblick.

Psykologen: Kan du berätta en gång till är du snäll? Från början?

Mer tystnad. Jag suckar uppgivet.

Jag: De’ knackade på dörren.

Psykologen: Och det var din granne?

Jag: Ja.

Psykologen: Vad ville hon?

Jag: De’ spelar ingen roll.

Psykologen: Jag vill bara förstå.

Jag skakar frustrerat på huvudet. Efter ett ögonblick tar jag ett djupt andetag.

Jag: Nått om avloppet. Dom hade problem med sin diskho. Hon frågade om ja’ hade samma problem.

Psykologen: Hade du det?

Jag: De’ e’ inte relevant.

Psykologen: Det är viktigt för mig att förstå detaljerna.

Jag: Men fatta, de’ e’ inte relevant.

Psykologen: Okej. Kan du förklara för mig vad det är som är relevant?

Jag reser mig upp från britsen och slår ut med armarna.

Jag: De’ har ja’ redan berättat! Om du lär dig lyssna nån gång skulle du kanske hört de’!

Jag ställer mig vid fönstret. Psykologen sitter kvar på sin stol.

Psykologen: Jag ber om ursäkt om jag gjorde dig upprörd.

Jag: Du lyssnar fan aldrig! Ber mig berätta samma jävla saker två gånger!

Psykologen vrider sakta sin stol mot fönstret.

Psykologen: Är allt okej?

Jag fortsätter att titta ut genom fönstret.

Jag: Ställ dina frågor du. De’ e’ okej.

Psykologen: Är du säker?

Jag: Fråga på.

Psykologen drar handen obeslutsamt mot hakan.

Psykologen: Du berättade att din granne inte var ensam när hon knackade på. Hon hade sina barn med sig?

Jag: Ja.

Psykologen: Och det här tyckte du var konstigt?

Jag skrattar och vänder mig mot psykologen.

Jag: Eh, ja? De’ e’ klart.

Psykologen: Jag förstår inte riktigt. Varför är det konstigt?

Jag knyter händerna nervöst. Jag går tillbaka till britsen utan att svara.

Psykologen: Tycker du att hon borde ha knackat på själv?

Jag: Du förstår inte.

Psykologen: Berätta, hur menar du?

Jag lägger mig på rygg och drar upp knäna.

Jag: Dom hade ingen anledning att följa med.

Psykologen: Du menar barnen?

Jag knackar nervöst med ena handen på britsen.

Psykologen: Jag kan tänka mig flera…

Jag: Nej, barn har inget med avlopp att göra. Dom bryr sig inte.

Psykologen: Förlåt, men jag förstår verkligen inte. Varför tycker du att det är konstigt att barnen följde med till din dörr?

Jag svarar inte. Jag fortsätter att knacka med handen.

Psykologen: Om du inte berättar vad du tänker har jag ingen möjlighet att hjälpa dig. Du vet att jag bara vill ditt bästa och att jag alltid skulle…

Jag: Men suck! Ja’ har inget att berätta alls. Allt e’ inte nån jävla psykologisk gåta som du ska lösa! Hon var rädd för mig bara, okej? De’ e’ allt. Min granne behöva knacka på hos mig och hon tog med sig sina barn för att skydda sig mot mig. End of story.

Psykologen funderar ett ögonblick.

Psykologen: Du tror alltså att…

Jag: Jag tror ingenting alls. Jag vet.

Psykologen: Okej. Men du säger alltså att din granne inte vågade fråga dig om avloppet ensam? Att hon tog med sig sina barn för sin egen säkerhet?

Jag: Ja. Hon tycker väl att jag ser ut som nån mördare eller våldtäktsman eller nått.

Psykologen lutar sig uppgivet tillbaka i stolen.

Psykologen: Jag måste säga, du gör mig konfunderad.

Jag: Big fucking surprise.

Psykologen: Svär inte åt mig är du snäll. Och ja, det är överraskande. Jag kan inte se att det du säger har någon som helst förankring i verkligheten. Och jag vet att du är tillräckligt smart för att inse det själv.

Jag: Förolämpa din patient, schysst. Riktigt professionellt.

Psykologen: Jag försöker inte förolämpa dig. Men du vet likaväl som jag att det finns en mängd tänkbara förklaringar till varför din granne tog med sig sina barn när hon knackade på hos dig. Familjen kan ha varit på väg någon annanstans, men passade på att stanna förbi hos dig? Kanske bad barnen själva att få följa med, eftersom de var nyfikna på dig?

Jag: Whatever.

Psykologen: Det kan också…

Jag: Whatever! Du var inte där. Ja’ vet vad som hände. De’ var fucking obvious att hon hatade mig.

Psykologen avvaktar.

Psykologen: Okej, tänk om det var så?

Jag: Va?

Psykologen: Tänk om du har helt rätt. Hon tog med barnen som skydd. Hon ville inte ta chansen att du skulle göra henne illa på något sätt. Vore det så dåligt?

Jag: Vad snackar du om?

Psykologen: Vore det så dåligt om hon trodde att du var en mördare och våldtäktsman?

Jag: Dra åt helvete.

Jag reser mig upp från britsen.

Psykologen: Nej, vänta. Snälla.

Jag går mot dörren. Psykologen reser sig upp och går efter.

Psykologen: Jag ville bara påpeka att du inte behöver bry dig så mycket om vad andra personer tycker och tänker om dig.

Jag håller upp ett finger i dörröppningen.

Psykologen: Och att det kan vara farligt att…

Jag smäller igen dörren.

Psykologen: … tillskriva motiv och ambitioner till en person baserat på en enda händelse eller ett enskilt beslut.

Psykologen lägger handen på dörren och sänker huvudet.

Psykologen: Fan.

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